I wrote this 8 years ago. So much has happened since then. Even so, every word rings true even now. Guess I'll have to give this another go.
At the end of the calendar year, we all seem to feel compelled to review the year. I find my self doing this too and this year I want to make some sense of the past 12 months, or at least find something positive to hold onto.
A year ago I was laid off from my dream job. The things that happened after that took off like a cement mixer going down hill without breaks. I felt out of control and no matter how I tried to put on the breaks, time sped by with little input from me. Difficulty finding a job never occurred to me. What a wake up call I got regarding technology and an ageist society! I could either have rolled over and given up or sucked it up and plod on. I chose to plod on and it was a battle I almost lost. In the midst of job searching I had a potentially life ending medical event. During my medical event I was in danger of loosing my health insurance which could have caused me physical and financial ruin. Although I am happy to wake up everyday, I'm a little more wary about opening my eyes to see what's happening each day.
As you know, I did survive my medical event and eventually got a job that pays the bills if not enriches my soul. Life is full of compromises is it not? I have learned a lot about myself: I am even more private than I thought I was. I protected the people around me from knowing all the scary details about my health and finances. Would my burden have been diminished had I shared the details? I'm not sure. I think I didn't want to have to support them emotionally while I was fighting to get healthy. I wanted to put all my energy into my health and job hunt without a lot of gnashing of teeth and assuring people I was fine. I wasn't fine of course, but my focus was on one step at at time towards being OK. I have spent a lot of energy supporting others but it was my turn to support myself first and others second. This time I had to come first.
Did I hurt some feelings while I was keeping some well intentioned people from helping me when I didn't want it? Undoubtedly. I'm I sorry for this? Of course I am. I truly believe it was what I had to do to get through this rough patch. I hunker down when assailed by unfortunate events and I now know I can get through and come out the other side.
I learned I feel vulnerable in a very new and real way: I have a lot more years behind me than I have in front of me.
To be clear: I am not afraid of dying. I am now very conscious that I
have very limited time left to leave a legacy. I'm not talking about a
financial legacy. I'm talking about what I want people to remember me
for. I want to know that I have impacted the lives of the people around
me in a positive way. I am much more aware of what I say and how I say
it these days. I'm sure I have caused a lot of anguish for others with
my impulsive speech: open mouth, insert foot type of verbal mistakes.
Some of these mistakes I can remember with great clarity, and some
haven't registered in my memory. The fact that I can't remember some of my mistakes doesn't erase them, it means I can't try to
ameliorate the effect of them. I suppose I'm saying I want to make
amends for some of my mistakes. I am feeling very imperfect and having tried to be perfect has been a terrible burden. This imperfect perfectionist is turning in the towel and accepting my human state. I am learning to accept my imperfections and the mistakes I have accrued over the years. The next step is to forgive myself and others for our imperfections.
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