Self Portrait

So in trying to navigate the websites looking for jobs, I now discover some of them want a picture of you.  Why I don't know, since these are the same people who won't give me an interview.  A new picture to throw darts at perhaps?  In any event, I didn't have a recent picture of me that didn't involve holding some sort of alcoholic libation so I figured I'd have to start from scratch.  Apparently drinking is not considered a skill to most employers.

As I have expressed, my face has been captured by gravity and the like.  I have avoided having my picture taken for the last 10 years...unless of course someone has given me a cocktail.  Being unemployed and not confident of becoming a Cover Girl, I decided to take it myself.  Save some money, get the picture, no big deal right?  Not so fast says my rickety old body!  First of all, I have a $99.00 digital camera because I'm worth it.  Secondly, I use it once in a blue moon.  Not too many bells and whistles so I think I have a fighting chance of success.  Somehow uncomplicated does not translate into easy.  I change out the batteries and start clicking away. The first round of pictures consisted of shots of me as I backed away from the camera with various looks of disgust on my face since I couldn't remember how to set the self timer.  I also think if you were good at reading lips you might have seen some new combinations of swear words.  All of those pictures deleted, I give it another try.

This time I figure out the self timer.  The self timer however doesn't fix the lighting, hair or makeup.  Several shots later I've decided just to put a bag over my head and say, "not to worry, I'm sure I'll heal soon".  Since I was relatively sure that wasn't something an employer would appreciate, I continued taking pictures.  After several pictures in color in a blouse where my crepe like neck was exposed in full light, I was ready to sign up for the Life Style Lift.  Then I remembered I was unemployed and couldn't afford one, so I tried again.  This time I use less light, more blouse and a different room for good luck.  I then decided color wasn't my friend and I switched to black and white.  Who knew how deep bags under your eyes could look with improper lighting and using the black and white feature?

Getting pretty pissy at this stage, I get down to business.  I put on a black turtle neck (the first person to say that's redundant gets punched), ramp up the makeup and change rooms again.  This time I have lighting behind me with soft ambient light in front of me and I don't use the flash.  I also found the sepia option.  For those of you who do not remember sepia, it's shades of brown.  I figure this is a good option since age spots are brown right?  Miracle of miracles, I finally get a shot that doesn't make me want to gargle with Drano.  I crop and manipulate the picture with every available option on my camera.  I cannot afford Photo Shop so the camera is my only aid.  Hallelujah!  It only took four hours to get one picture I could post for the people who are not going to interview me for a job.  The good news is it's the picture on this blog too.  Life is good.